I Stopped Negotiating With My Child…Then They Started Listening. Here’s What I did:

Do you ever compare your child’s willingness to cooperate based on their age? It starts off with, “Oh, you know how two year olds can be,” followed by, “Well, they’re three now so…” right into, “Four is such an interesting age,” and so on.

You can see where this is going, right? Our kids are learning infinite skills with every age leap, yet for some reason we keep looking for some type of excuse or correlation between not-so-pleasant behaviors and the number of candles on their birthday cake.

When I first started Sensory Kids Play!, one of the things I felt strongly about was looking at each child as if they were on their own unique path, because they are. Development doesn’t follow a straight line. Sometimes our kids hit the fast forward button and pick up skills at lightning speed, and other times it feels like things are standing still. But the truth is, they’re always learning.

This summer my kindergartener has been on one of those fast forward streaks; reading words I didn’t think she’d be able to tackle yet, making associations between quantities and number values. But the cooperation button? That one still wasn’t getting pressed often enough. Whether it was helping clean up the toy room after what looked like a hurricane hit, or something as simple as putting on her shoes, I felt like I was stuck in a constant loop of negotiating, bribing, and repeating myself.

If you’re there too (drained from negotiations, frustrated by the lack of participation, bribing with treats more often than you’d like) I hear you. I was right there, blaming my kiddos’ behaviour on the terrible twos (and threes, and, well…you get the picture).

But then I shifted my thinking. Cooperation isn’t just a behavior, it’s a skill. And like any other skill, it has to be taught and practiced.

Why Negotiating Doesn’t Work

Here’s the problem with negotiating: it leaves parents powerless and kids overwhelmed, regardless if it’s a consequence or a reward your utilizing. “If you don’t clean your toys, we’re not going to the birthday party” or “If you help clean up, we’ll go get ice cream.” It’s all short-term. It’s reactive. And honestly? It’s exhausting. This summer, I felt like I ran out of leverage by the second week of June. My kids didn’t take me seriously and to be honest, I don’t blame them.

Here’s what actually made a difference in my house: cause and effect consequences.

Kids love options. And even more than that, they love control. So instead of begging or bribing, I started giving clear choices:

1. A negative action followed by a negative consequence

2. A positive action followed by a positive consequence

3. An invitation to choose

Here’s what that looks like in real life:

Dinner time drama?

“If you don’t eat your dinner, we’ll have to skip playtime and head to bed early. If you do eat your dinner, you get to stay up 10 minutes later and pick out an extra bedtime story. You get to pick. You choose.”

Running late and no shoes on?

“If you don’t put on your shoes, we’ll have to skip TV time tomorrow. If you do put your shoes on, we’ll watch an hour of TV today and you get to pick the show. Your get to pick. You choose.”

Every single time I’ve used this approach, it’s worked. No backfiring, no escalating into tears (from me or her). The beauty of this method is that you’re not offering extra rewards—you’re simply reframing what already exists in their world and putting the power in their hands.

And here’s the thing: kids love to outsmart us adults. So if they choose the negative consequence, so let them. It’s a learning phase after all, and they’ll eventually learn that the positive choice is always the way.

Tone and language are everything. When we’re frustrated, it’s easy to let that show in the words we use. When you deliver calm, consistent choices, you’re teaching your child how to make decisions, take responsibility, and build confidence. And honestly? It feels really good to step out of the role of negotiator for a minute.

So, the next time your child resists, try this cause and effect strategy. Let them own their choice. You may be surprised at just how quickly cooperation shows up.

Have you tried something like this in your home? I’d love to hear how it’s working for your family. Share below!